My Blog, So My Rant

Okay, so here is your warning label on this post.  I will be posting MY thoughts!  These are mine and nobody else's.  I am not censoring them and I am not worried about hurting feelings.  If you are quick to anger or quick to find offense, don't read this (even though I post this I know people will still read it).  I have had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate lately and I need to put it somewhere, so here it goes.  These thoughts will probably lead to nowhere important and will probably have no sense of direction, but that's the way my mind has been working, so here it goes.  Oh, and even one comment, email, or anything of the sort that condemns one things I say or think, I will strongly consider our friendship.  I try to not judge people on their personal views and thoughts and I am quick to defend those who have the bravery to say it how it is, even if I don't agree.  So don't judge me because I think differently from you.

1.  Holy crap yesterday was a rough one.  I am not sure why everything hit me all at once, but it did (you can ask my GiGi, I cried in her ear for over half an hour)

2.  Sometimes I just don't wanna!  I don't want ot be the better person, I don't want to serve those that hurt me, I don't want to homeschool, I don't want to be a friend, I don't want to watch what I eat, I don't want to exercise!

3.  Even though I don't wanna, I usually do it anyway.

4.  I have had some serious mommy guilt lately, and it really came to a head yesterday as i was driving to somewhere I didn't want to go and my son was doing reading work in the backseat, my baby girl was screaming, and my gas tank was emptying.  The guilt that I wanted to homeschool my child, yet I can't even sit at home and teach him and guide him through learning in a natural and loving environment, instead he is in the back of our van, doing book work while his mother murmurs about how unfair life is.  My baby (who I BEGGED the Lord for) was wailing because she just wanted to be held and had been in the car seat much too long.  I wailed along with her and hated myself for every moment.  I sat and thought about how disappointed my Heavenly Father must be with me, I mean, I asked for her, and then I don't even have a spare moment to just sit and hold her today!  GEEZ!  Then the gas gauge goes down as gas prices go up.  Money is tight and the bills continue to come in!  Like I really needed to drive an additional 65 miles today than what had already been driven because I needed to go to the doctor today, and of course the doctor I need to see is WAY across town, and I can't find another one because there isn't another doctor in his field of work in the ENTIRE area!  I did get to Eric's school sooner than I thought, so I took Josephine out and held her, and kissed her and nursed her.  Alex sat in the front seat and we reviewed his reading assignment together.  I went and picked up Eric on time and he was happy and smiling.  I think Josephine forgave me as she snuggled in close to me whenever someone came near and she even gave me a big smile when I had to put her back in the car seat.

4. I seriously can't wait until my sweetheart comes home today.  I miss him like crazy!  I need him and I depend on him.  My mom once told me to never be so dependent on another person that you can't live happily on your own.  Well, I proved these last few days I can live on my own, but it isn't near as easy or as enjoyable without him.  I need him!

5.  I am SO TIRED of political talk!  GAH!

6.  Obama and Leader of Israel Dude issue!  GEEZ!  I am sick of it.  If I can make time for things that are important in my life, than so can you.  Obviously relations with each other are not too important if neither of you can get your schedules to agree for the last three years!  The liberals blame Israel, the conservatives blame Obama!  FIGURE IT OUT and quit it!  My stance is, you NEVER want to be an enemy of Israel, you always want to be a defender because if not you are in BIG trouble, just go read your scriptures and you will find out what happens!

7.  I feel like Romney is the lesser of two evils and even though I am a Mormon doesn't mean I agree with him on everything.  That is an internal struggle that I will have to deal with sooner or later.

8.  I really hope it doesn't rain on Saturday, but I know it will so I need to remember to bring my umbrella.

9.  I can't remember who, but I heard someone say that they "think its funny when people who have homeschooled put their kids back in to public school".  Well, this struck me a couple of ways.  One way is that did this person mean "ha ha funny" or "odd-funny"  Well, I don't think it is either one!  Homeschooling is HARD and there are days it really just SUCKS!  I am only in my third week and I already think it is no fun for me a lot of the time (good thing Alex enjoys it).  Sometimes circumstances in our control or beyond our control make our "plan" change, hence why I am done having a plan.  I may not homeschool forever, any maybe I will, but either way I will make the decision with my husband and we will choose what is right for our child and for our family's circumstances.  There is no answer key to raising your children, but there are guides and help desk along the way.  It is a personal decision and I think people need to STAY OUT OF EACH OTHER'S BUSINESS!!!!!  If you think you can do it better, then go at it!  Take my kids and make them into perfect functioning adults (oh wait, that doesn't exist).  We all make mistakes and we all make choices that mothers may not agree with, but guess what, we don't have to agree to be friends or to coexist.  We just have to love each other and not kill each other. (I will probably vent on this again sometime soon, as it really irks me).

10.  Itruly do not believe that most human beings do things to intentionally hurt another person.  That person who commented on your status, or gave you a funny look, or even said something to you that you didn't like, I seriously doubt that they did it to hurt your feelings or to rub you the wrong way.  I can't even imagine my friends sitting at their computers coming up with ways to make me cry or hurt me.  Maybe I am wrong, but I think that we all get in funks.  We all say or do things that we don't mean to.  Guess what, people don't know they have hurt you unless you let them know (usually) so when you look at that person who hurt your feelings and you are seething because they just don't seem repentant, well, they probably aren't because they don't even know they did something wrong!  TELL THEM!  BE HONEST!  Let them know in a kind way that they hurt you, and a true friend will apologize and try to make it better.  If they don't, then maybe they aren't a true friend.  Even if they think you over reacted, they should still be sympathetic to your feelings.  You have a right to your feelings.  Please also remember that tone cannot be written.  When you read that text message/FB post/email you read it in the tone you feel.  Maybe they meant it that way. maybe they were kidding, so either give the person the benefit of the doubt and be careful what you write as well.  And if you think that I sit and think of ways to hurt you or pull you down, then you don't know me well and maybe we shouldn't be friends if you can't remember that I am human and I have bad days too.

And I think my last beef for the day is that just because I am a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean I have nothing to do.  And since I am trying to teach my six year old and raise a 4 year old and baby, I have a whole bunch on my plate and when I tell you I can't do something or I am too busy, please don't roll your eyes at me or insist that I need a break.  I know I need a break.  I have NO time without my children, and even though I love them dearly, they drive me up the wall most days.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but I can still be frustrated by it daily.  Life is not ideal!

I love all of my friends and family and I value each one of you.  Please remember to share hugs and not judgments, you never know when you will be walking in there shoes or crossing paths


Oh, and I bought a TON of chocolate yesterday!