Okay, so to protect myself and others I will not use names. Forgiveness is HARD! I have struggled with it and wrestled with it and I am still really bad at it. I have had many things that I have had to deal with and to forgive and I find that if it just involves me, its not so hard, but if it involves people I love....well, that's a whole different story. I can think of one instance that I really had to work at forgiving and to be forgiven. It too a long time, over a year to finally get to where I am now. Even now, the adversary tries to creep in from time to time and stir up contention in my heart and I have to put it in check very quick.
I had been friends with someone for a while. We liked to get together from time to time and it seemed to be a nice relationship. Suddenly we were not friends anymore. This was hard on me, as I wasn't sure why this had happened, but I was really sorry it had. Then I found out that this friend had started talking about me to other people that I didn't even know and the rumors started flying around. This broke my heart. I lost sleep over it and cried regularly I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. I agonized over this and even asked the person, to which I received no reply. I started then feeling ANGRY! I was mad that this person wouldn't even respect me enough to hear my apologies, let alone let me know what I had done. I started justifying my anger with "How can I fix something, if I don't even know how I broke it". This led me down some dark paths with some dark feelings. Finally one day I decided that I had to let it go! I had to, because it was tearing me down and keeping me from my personal path of growth and learning.
It started with me saying that I had to let it go. I had to forgive her. I had to forgive her for the rumors, the ignoring and the frustration. I also had to be forgivable I couldn't be forgivable if I couldn't forgive. That became my goal. I worked hard to pray for her, myself, and our past relationship. I worked towards positive thinking and positive association with her, and if ever I thought something unkind, I would cast it out as soon as I could. This sounds easy as I type it out now, but it really wasn't. The hardest part was coming to the terms of not knowing if I will ever be forgiven for whatever I had done to cause my friend such pain and heartache. The scripture that rang through my head constantly was Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-11
9. Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
11. And ye ought to say in your hearts-let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.
Finally I decided that as long as I did the best I could and I did all I could, the Lord would take care of the rest. I will admit that at times it is still hard to think about what happened and what could have been. However I now look back on our friendship as what a wonderful thing it was and not how it ended. I continue to only wish wonderful things for her and her family. I also try to remember to keep her in my prayers as I only want good things for my friends, past, present and future.
There is a song on the radio right now that really is one of my favorites and it really encompasses forgiveness and how hard it is, and how important it is, and how it is essential for our salvation. THe song is FORGIVENESS by Matthew West. I get teary just reading the lyrics.
You can watch the video here. WATCH IT! It is worth the 4 and a half minutes
Here are the lyrics:
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
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